In the film M*A*S*H, Captain Walter Koskiusko “Painless Pole” Waldowski stages a Last Supper and faux suicide following an embarrassment in the boudoir. As far as dark comedies go, M*A*S*H nailed it, and the song “Suicide Is Painless” captures a certain essence of both the film and the series that followed. The song’s lyrics were written by director Robert Altman’s 14-year-old son, Michael Altman, after the director failed himself to write what he wanted to be “the stupidest song ever written.” He needed the song to complete the absurdity of the faux suicide scene in the film, and it was such a big hit that it later became the theme song for the series.
I open my new book, The Little Black Book of Suicide Notes, with these stanza from the song:
The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
My book isn’t black comedy, but it is most definitely an unusual take on the topic of suicide. I approach it from the inside. Each chapter is a note from the journal of a tortured soul contemplating ending her own life through suicide—not the angle you’d predict for a book intended to raise awareness about the tragedy of suicide.
For me, the song “Suicide Is Painless” captures the absurdity of life and our desire to escape it, replete with that tongue-in-cheek attitude that made M*A*S*H such a hit in its time. For me, the lesson is in remembering that, in the midst of all the absurdity and chaos of life, we’re each just a small piece of a much bigger picture. As dark as things might be, I find joy where I can. I share laughter. And I don’t let the little stuff stop me. “I can take or leave it if I please.”
Suicide takes the lives of too many people each year—it is a serious epidemic that needs our attention. Make no mistake: Suicide is NOT painless. This song doesn’t trivialize the issue, so long as it’s heard for what it is.
Listen to it here as it appears in my Audiobook. This rendition was recorded and produced by Tony Noe.
Suicide Is Painless
Lyrics
Suicide Is Painless: Theme from M*A*S*H
Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it if I please
The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it if I please
The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works it’s way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied, “Oh why ask me?”
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
And you can do the same thing if you please
Written by Johnny Mandel, Michael B Altman
© WB Music
The Little Black Book of Suicide Notes is available as an audiobook, read by yours truly!
